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Dear Friends,

Is it possible for a preschooler to feel excluded from a ‘special group’ in the preschool?

We know that in primary schools and high schools and places of work and worship it is easy to feel ‘left out’ but does this feeling start at infancy? And the answer of course is ‘yes’.

Not only is there the pain of feeling rejected by a particular group but there is the secret thrill of making it into that group. And part and parcel of making it into that secret circle can be willingness to do almost anything — even against the conscience — to make it ‘in’ because the fear of rejection is so strong and the draw of acceptance is so intoxicating. Then having made it ‘inside’ how easy to adopt all those hostile attitudes to outsiders that you felt when you were an outsider!

All this is to re-state what C.S Lewis more brilliantly called the “Inner Ring”. From infancy to old age (he writes) “is the desire to be inside the local Ring and the terror of being left outside”. This pressure will affect us because “whatever hospital, inn of court, diocese, school, business or college you arrive (at) you will find the Rings”.

And it’s very important to understand this desire and know how to deal with it — not just for ourselves but to help our children cope with life and themselves.

Lewis points out in this essay that the Inner Ring is not an evil in itself since it is a “good thing that personal friendship should grow between those who work together”.

The evils are:
— the potential for compromise in the strong desire
— the naivety in thinking you can truly ‘arrive’.

Since “this desire is one of the great persistent mainsprings of human action” a man or a woman may agree to quite serious evils “simply because you cannot bear to be thrust back again into the cold outer world”. And soon the Ring will “stale” and you will be looking for another Ring. So the pursuit “will break your heart unless you break it”.

This insecurity and restlessness is part of a world that has turned its back on God. And the ultimate answers are not found in human circles — good and satisfying as they may be. They are found in belonging to Christ whose “circle” seeks humble sinners and whose security makes temporary clubs and gangs look like circles of preschoolers.

Can we teach this to our children? Ourselves?

Yours sincerely,
Simon Manchester

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